I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market