year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Yup!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
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Morningbreath
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!