My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
dude it’s called proctologist
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
This did not end as expected.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store