*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.