Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
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INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The real reason evolution started..😂
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”