whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
This classic never gets old . . .
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
when nothing goes right… go left