I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You Might Also Like
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one