God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Ah yes. The three genders
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings