God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
those birds must be on payroll
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots