God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Happens to everyone.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.