@michaelianblack: "God" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. "Money" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
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@deardilettante: I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
@i_zzzzzz: Good slumber party questions: - What's the furthest underground you've ever eaten a burger - How many necks have you touched - What's pesto
@Tmoney68: [Hunting Robots] Me: You a robot? Robot: Would a robot read this? *shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine* M: Hm. That checks out.
@murrman5: [parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby