@michaelianblack: "God" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. "Money" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
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@Leemanish: Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
@TeaAndCopy: ME: I hate owls [Owl turns his head 180°] OWL: What? ME: Oh I didn't see you there OWL: Are you talking behind my back? ME: I'm…I'm not sure
@jergarl: Me: IT'S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT 8yo:*starts playing accordion M: Where did you even get that? 8:*making eye contact* No idea.
@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.