Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
😩😩😩
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Finally!
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.