God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
How does one answer this?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My daily affirmation
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.