GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*