GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
You Might Also Like
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’