[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*