I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no