@Smug_Lemur: God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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@BigBagOfScum: And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure. Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
@murfect: *gets hit by car* Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY? Me: I need.. My phone.. Please.. *opens Twitter* Me:YALL WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
@Barknado69: [Sex Shop] Worker: can I help you? Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"