God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*