[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.