You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
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“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.