*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
that’s really how it is
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.