*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
You Might Also Like
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal