God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.