God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing