My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
drew a comic about my origin story
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan