@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
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@pleatedjeans: [filling out birth certificate] Me: we're naming him Greg Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes "Grork"]
@david8hughes: Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut? Me: I washed it Her: but it looks really different Me: yeah I used water this time
@PaperWash: Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
@HavocMantis: *repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him* I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.