@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
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@donni: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
@Landon8426: Chess with Australians must get so confusing. "Check, mate." "Naw mate, that's just a check." "That's what I said. Check, mate"
@ThaJawn: (prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?
@WildeThingy: "I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." - Dolphin bucket list.