[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?