GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.