GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf