God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.