God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You Might Also Like
Weirdos gonna weird.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!