Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
God has left this place
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance