god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?