GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?