we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.