‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Think I pulled my liver
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Why soy sad?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.