6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.