God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You Might Also Like
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK