@iamspacegirl: God *twisting an owl*: I can't get this damn jar open.
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@joejwest: LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ grapes
@novicefather: Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff. Me: No I need the car.
@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.