God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
the council will decide your fate
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.