my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*mops up wine with cat*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it