I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.