GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh