[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.