I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages