[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
congratulations to them
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.