me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
You Might Also Like
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.