@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
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@ericsshadow: [phone rings in 1984] "Eric get the phone" Hello? "Tell em I'm not home." She's not home. "Ask who it is." My mom wants to know who this is.
@AnkCoupleTO: [5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you'll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
@myonlymizztake: When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.