@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
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@tastefactory: EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says "Here lies updog" EXPLORER 2: What's updog? EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
@JustDontBugMe: Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!? *5mins later* Me: I need a new room.
@NewDadNotes: [first day as a dirty cop] Partner: did you plant the drugs? Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.