[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots