@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
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@RegularFred: Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.
@david8hughes: I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.
@butterwolf: I've noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn't know you played. I'm looking to trade my Nana card.
@Turbo_Jimmy: "Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?" Nope "Yea I did, it had lipstick on?" Nope, raise the anchor