@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
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@fuzzlime: I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
@Izianikapani: Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
@FreckleMcPickle: Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.