@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
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@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
@SqueakyFreckles: I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan. "Why hasn't it got a head?" "I don't want to scrape it off the wheel."
@therealeatwood: ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance? MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.