*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*