@jordan_stratton: I'm sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn't high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

@sharpular: Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

@robdelaney: Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@jus4golf: I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn't.

@BobTheSuit: Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!