[God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How…Ok.

@Dutch_50: I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

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@ShockTartBionic: Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection? Are you even trying to keep him alive?

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@HotSnuff: Guy told me I have "Bambi eyes"...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother.

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@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me

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