At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒