god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs